the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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