I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
