We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I touched a dick in church today
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
God I need to hump something, right now.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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