I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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