there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
