I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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