I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
