Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Watching her eat just hurts me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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