okay pat passed out under dana's car
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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