We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
