I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
