Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
