We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
