I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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