Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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