I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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