does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
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why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
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I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs