Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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