thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
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Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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