she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can Purell be used as lube?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
