based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Randomize
