I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
