Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
