sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
