He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
