My hair reeks of homosexuality.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize