Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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