Are we in a gay sports bar?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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