So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
