the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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