96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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