My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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