Texts From Last Night

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  (818): View more from California

  Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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  (818): Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales? http://tfl.nu/gvx1
  Replies (30) Good night (6989) Bad night (940)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.

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  (803): I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again. http://tfl.nu/aquc
  Replies (14) Good night (1006) Bad night (4277)
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

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  (416): Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard. http://tfl.nu/iuc0
  Replies (20) Good night (4908) Bad night (847)
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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  (601): It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed. http://tfl.nu/yhbt
  Replies (15) Good night (1411) Bad night (5691)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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  (610): So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way. http://tfl.nu/846z
  Replies (10) Good night (5861) Bad night (1103)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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  (701): I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?" http://tfl.nu/cr38
  Replies (12) Good night (4109) Bad night (1630)
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...

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  (423): The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while... http://tfl.nu/ie7g
  Replies (4) Good night (1757) Bad night (526)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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  (541): they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you http://tfl.nu/813g
  Replies (23) Good night (4524) Bad night (730)
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that

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  (504): You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that http://tfl.nu/k4ts
  Replies (6) Good night (1394) Bad night (708)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress

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  (503): I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress http://tfl.nu/vffb
  Replies (8) Good night (575) Bad night (672)
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  (760): View more from California

  I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody

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  (760): I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody http://tfl.nu/kf7d
  Replies (4) Good night (724) Bad night (417)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?

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  (207): Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable? http://tfl.nu/gzc0
  Replies (2) Good night (376) Bad night (536)
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  (212): View more from New York

  Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again

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  (212): Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again http://tfl.nu/l6pw
  Replies (1) Good night (379) Bad night (701)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  May the power of my ass compel you!!

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  (305): May the power of my ass compel you!! http://tfl.nu/muqb
  Replies (1) Good night (481) Bad night (162)
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.

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  (337): Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you. http://tfl.nu/l52y
  Replies (4) Good night (282) Bad night (405)

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