my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
