i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Drake has all the answers
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
