Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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