At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
