I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
