i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
