I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
