woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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