i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
