There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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