so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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