Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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