I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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