I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
