4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
