My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
