it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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