Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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