someone get that fucking seahorse.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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