Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
did i just pee glitter
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
