Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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