Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
