Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
