Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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