dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
