She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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