Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
