I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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